Written for www.AdamMeetEve.com by Juliet Roberts, author of Safer Christian Dating

Dating and Flirting Among Christian Singles Can Be Fun, But What Does God Say?

So what place should flirting have in the interaction between single Christian men and women? Is it "ok" with God if Christian singles flirt with each other either in a group setting or in a Christian dating relationship? It depends on "Why?" Chrsitians are flirting, and "How?" Christians are flirting. God says, "do not deceive one another" so if you are flirting just to play with someone's emotions, that is wrong. That is sin. If you are flirting because you have a genuine interest in honestly getting to know a person, maybe that is good way to begin prior to a Christian dating relationship. Everyone likes to have others show an interest in them.

But "How?" are Christians flirting? There are two kinds of flirting, sexual and non-sexual flirting. Sexual flirting should have no place in the interaction between Christian singles. Even if two Christian singles are engaged to be married, in the interest of purity before marriage, sexual flirting should be reserved for when they are actually married. Non-sexual flirting or teasing or saying funny or charming things can be "ok" as long as it does not get out of hand. For the more serious types, flirting could be limited to just showing a kind gesture like a woman pulling a piece of lint of off the lapel of a guy's jacket during a normal conversation. A smile, eye contact, getting into a person's personal space—usually talking face to face anywhere within eighteen and six inches away depending upon cultures and the individual.

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests on others." Philippians 2:3-4

Non-sexual flirting should be for the other person's benefit not just your own. It should fit the level of commitment in the relationship. Ok, ok, some people are just more touchy feely than others. I am not talking about a pat on the hand, leaning ones head in toward some other single Christian, looking into their eyes and smiling. Sexual flirting or being a sexual tease is anything related to or meant to entice or arouse sexual interest or emotions. Non-sexual flirting can be as simple as teasing another single Christian just for the fun of it, (as long as it is fun for the both of you, and you actually want to get to know them better). Christian men and women should never toy with others to be mean or spiteful or overtly sexual. Women, watch how you dress and act, do not lead a brother in Christ into having impure thoughts. All sexual sins begin with thoughts. Men, do not be overly charming, flattering and touching.

"Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity." 1stTimothy 5:2

I have never met brothers and sisters who didn't enjoy teasing and joking with one another. Save the sexual flirting for when you are married, it can keep the relationship alive and interesting way into your old age.

With their permission let me give you some good examples of non-sexual flirting between two Christian singles that fostered an honest friendship between them prior to their official Christian dating relationship and later engagement:

My friend in the singles group at church, a very sweet, good natured woman named Ruth, once told me about one of the sweetest, funniest single Christian men she had ever met at church. The first Sunday morning he came up to her after the singles Sunday school lesson and asked her, "Hi, I am Dave, what is your name again, I am sorry I forgot?"

"Ruth," she said returning his toothy smile with her equally toothy smile. "My name is Ruth. Nice to meet you, Dave."

"Same here," said Dave, looking around from side to side as if he had a great big secret to tell her, then he leaned his head in close to Ruth's face. "Can I tell you something, Ruth?"

"I suppose so," said Ruth.

"Well, Ruth, there's a book in the Bible named Ruth, but it isn't about you, is it?"

Ruth smiled and shrugged her shoulders. She was hooked. She was entertained. She wanted to get to know this Dave character a bit more.

"I mean, I am sure that you are just as godly as the Ruth in the Bible, but she lived an awfully long time ago and you look so young, and healthy and cheerful; and that book just couldn't be written about you."

The next Sunday there was a singles social at the Pastor's house after the Sunday evening service.

And yep, there was Dave, marching up to Ruth with a very, very serious look on his face.

"Excuse me, Ruth, could I tell you something a little personal?" said Dave, squinting at Ruth's face.

"Sure," said Ruth, "I guess so."

"Well, Ruth, you see I don't really know how to tell you this, but well... umm, you see, umm, you have something on your face."

Ruth quickly rubbed her cheeks and chin, and looking at her hand and then at the tip of her pen she said, "Oh no. Is it ink?"

"No." said Dave. "No, it is not ink."

Ruth frowned. "What is it then?"

"Well, Ruth it is... no I better not tell you," Dave paused, turned to walk away, and then he faced Ruth again when he felt her gentle tug on his arm. "Well, you see Ruth, what you have on your face is not ink. What you have on your face is actually some of the most beautiful skin that God has ever created."

Ruth smiled, turning red.

Dave leaned toward her and cocked his head to one side. "And now it is a gorgeous shade of red. And you know what?"

"What?" asked Ruth, now laughing. Ruth was hooked. What was this guy going to say next to make her laugh?

"I've heard your comments during Bible study, Ruth, and I can honestly say that I am certain that your beautiful skin is only a tiny reflection of the beautiful heart God gave you Ruth when you opened the door and let Jesus in. And I really mean it, too. It is so obvious that the Word of God is written on your heart!"

Let's just say that after that light and funny exchange of non-sexual flirting, from that time on, whenever Dave asked Ruth if the seat next to her was taken, she quickly moved her purse and let Dave sit next to her.

And this all took place over two years before starting any kind of an official Christian dating relationship. You see, Dave was not in a hurry. Dave slowly and carefully won Ruth's heart by being himself and making her feel relaxed enough to be herself.

So what exactly is it about light hearted, non-sexual flirting that seems to break the ice so nice?

From a woman's point of view, it is non-threatening/non-serious. Yet us women do enjoy attention. I would much rather engage in a bit of flirty bantering and teasing with some Christian guy that I just met or didn't know all that well than have him come up to me all serious and say "Juliet, we need to have a private 'talk'". You know the "talk" that is often way too soon in the relationship, the "talk" where he tells you that he has loved you since the first moment he saw you at church, or wherever, that he just knows that you are "the one" that God has preordained to be his lifelong partner in Christian marriage and the one to bear all his children, etc.

C'mon Christian men, don't let things get too serious too soon. Christian women tend to need more time. And light hearted non-sexual flirting, in moderation, can make the getting acquainted process all that more fun and interesting. Just keep it pure and do not over do it.

Keep in mind that God created each of us men and women as unique individuals.

As a big sister in Christ to many singles at church I often have dozens of Christian men (and a few Christian women) come up to me in the Christian singles group asking for advice. And let me tell you, over half the men start out by asking, "Do women like... to do this or that?" or "do women like men who do this or that?" I tell them that they can trust me, that I am not a gossip and that I would never do or say anything to embarrass them. Then I ask them which woman they have in mind. I tell them that she is an individual. If you are interested in getting to know her better go ask her what she likes. Watch and listen to her as she interacts with you and others in the Christian singles group. And only if you are certain that she would like it, start joking or flirting with her in a non-sexual way. It is a great way to break the ice in a non-threatening way.

Face it though some people just can't take a joke or some light hearted flirting. There are some Christian men and Christian women who are extremely serious about everything. And that's ok. God makes all kinds of individuals. Sometimes though, opposites do actually attract and a funny, flirty, outgoing person can really brighten up the life of someone more serious or shy. And vice versa, a serious person can help to tone down a person who is sometimes overly funny, flirty and outgoing.

God judges the heart. So if you flirt before or during a Christian dating relationship, do it with pure motives, show a genuine interest in getting to know the person, and save the sexual-flirting for marriage.

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