Written for www.AdamMeetEve.com by Juliet Roberts, author of Safer Christian Dating

"Safer Dating" – I always thought it was just one more thing for my overly strict mom to harp on me about.

Then that night, the night of our High School basketball championship game, my world changed forever. I learned that date rape is not something that just happens in the movies or on TV. Yes, I had been drinking. Yes, I said "NO" ... "NO" ... "NO" ....

When it comes to Christian Dating: to "Get a Background Check?" or "Not to Get a Background Check?" prior to first dating a person, that is the question. And some states would like to make it a requirement for all Christian dating services to provide a "Background Check" to their members or post a huge notice that they do not screen members. Rumor has it that the TruE lobby started this ball rolling since TruE secular dating service supposedly does background checks on all their members. "From the looks of their sleezy ads," said one gal, "They sell more lust than love and its no wonder everyone Truly needs a background check." Were they hoping to see competing dating services go out of business or is it a good law, brought about by good motives?

(Just in case you're interested: you can read more about this conflict among secular dating services and a BusinessWeek article. Here's a letter to lawmakers signed by some huge Internet companies.) But for a Christian, it is more a matter of personal belief about what God wants you to do to practise WISDOM! Not what some lobby thinks is right for all singles who use Internet dating services.

Afterall God is the one who loves you! And God cares a whole more about your safety than some lobby or even the law makers themselves.

"Trust, but verify," is what former president Ronald Reagan used to say quite often when asked about a nuclear weapons treaty with the former Soviet Union. Now, we are not equating your Christian dating situation with negotiating a nuclear arms treaty, but at times it might feel like that. Trust is a two-edged sword. "If you don't trust me, why should I trust you?" Well, for many Christians, trust must be earned. Certainly it is vitally important that you first verify what a stranger says before you trust him or her with your heart. And certainly verify a person's statements before trusting them with your safety.

With the right attitude a background check by a professional company can do a great deal toward building trust because if someone whom you met through the internet is willing to consent to a background check it is an admission of innocence not guilt. It also says that they care about you and want you to feel comfortable and to trust them. Usually a woman is more likely to order a background check on a man. Yet in many cases a man would be wise to do the same. It just gets things out onto the table and opens things up for discussion. Love and trust are very delicate.

Any criminal convictions can be reported in a background check no matter how long ago they occurred, however, under the Fair Credit Reporting Act the following items can only be included in a background check within certain time limits:

Any of the following before seven years has elapsed: records of paid tax liens, accounts or debts turned over to a collection agency, any civil suits, judgments, records of arrest or any other negative information as long as it is less than seven years old.

And any bankruptcies that are not more than ten years old.

And that is probably a good thing because it allows people a seven-year or ten-year chance to change. For example perhaps you, a real stickler about good money- management, meet someone who is clearly not the same person they were ten or more years ago. And let us say this person you met via a Christian dating site was young and foolish in the early part of their life and ran up a huge credit card debt, car debt, etc. and soon filed for bankruptcy protection. They also caved in under the financial pressure, became an alcoholic and were arrested for DWI. Later they came to Christ and now, let's say more than ten years later you meet them through a Christian dating service. Now they are not the same foolish, irresponsible person that they were when they were younger and they learned some hard lessons, which God has used to shape their character for the better. Should you hold something that happened over ten years ago against that person? Maybe now they are very wise, frugal, and responsible and Jesus has renewed their mind through the holy word of God. Now, more than ten years later, is it fair to allow a background check to taint a budding dating relationship? It depends upon the individuals involved. Doesn't it?

For some single Christians asking for them to consent to a background check, says to them "Hey, I just do not trust you, so prove to me who you say you are!" Only you know how hard to push for a background check. Do it with gentleness. Make it more about your comfort level. Not about your mistrust of them. Words like, "I just want to have our relationship get off to a good start, and I need to feel comfortable about all the things you have said to me about yourself. Please try to understand that if you really care about someone, you will want them to feel comfortable in the relationship?" Offer to trade. Say something like, "To build trust, I want you to get a background check on me, and I will get a background check on you. I really want to trust you, and this will help."

In High school Al was a homosexual for about 2 years prior to accepting Jesus Christ as his savior. About twelve years later Megan met Al through an online Christian dating service. They really hit it off, first through email, then over the phone—sometimes talking for hours three or for times a day. Al never told Megan about his past homosexual life style. He viewed his pre-Christian days, and sins, as being washed in the blood of Jesus and forgotten. For several years Megan saw Al as the gentleman, the manly leader in their Christian dating relationship and to her Al was just an absolute sweetheart for driving the 62 miles to Megan's town practically every week to take her on a date, attend her church, etc. Finally, things got more serious, marriage and pre-marital counseling were discussed. Megan wanted to visit Al's church, meet more of his friends and family before she could commit to marriage. Al was fine with that and they set the BIG date, sent out wedding invitations.

Twelve plus years before meeting Megan, Al was baptized at the local Bible church he was attending. That night in the baptismal service Al had the conviction that he should confess to his church congregation that he was once a homosexual. He was a baby Christian, his new relationship with Christ his savior and relating to other Christians was all new to Al. Some praised Al for his honesty and courage in telling of his background. Others shunned this dear brother in Christ, gossiped about him, and soon this deeply hurt Al. It got to the point where Al left that Bible church determined not to be so open about his past.

Now should Al tell Megan about his past homosexual lifestyle before becoming a Christian? Or should he live the rest of his life with his new bride, wondering if someone from his former Bible church where he was baptized would someday open their BIG mouth in front of Megan? Worst of all, Al wondered what Megan would do. Does the love written about in 1st Corinthians 13 cover all things, even Al's less than perfect past?

Would Megan be afraid of getting AIDS from Al? Would she forgive him for not telling her about his background until now? Al prayed for an answer as to what he should tell Megan, how he should tell Megan, even if he should tell Megan. He loved her so very much, he thought about her all the time. What if she never wanted to see him again?

Conclusion: Al did tell Megan. Prior to dating Al, had Megan gotten a professional background check on Al, it would not have made any difference. Megan did break off her engagement to Al. Not that she did not love him, she did. Al even wondered if things would have been different if he had told Megan of his background sooner, like maybe when they first started dating. Megan said no, it would not make any difference as she handed Al the ring. Al begged Megan on his knees to forgive his past. She could not or would not. There is no right or wrong about it. Megan was just not able or comfortable in continuing a Christian dating relationship with Al, much less marrying Al. Perhaps you would marry Al? Perhaps not? To some Christians a person is a new creature in Christ and they are able to not hold a person's background against them. To other Christians this is not possible for them to do. Is one wrong and the other right? Is one more mature in Christ and the other person not as mature a Christian because they cannot look past the past?

The point of this story is that we are all individuals. Christian dating relationships are about two individuals, a man and a woman, being brought together by God, yielding what they want or need as individuals to what the other person wants or needs.

(And yes we changed the names of Al and Megan to protect their privacy.)

Should you get a background check on the person you met via a Christian dating service? Pray about it. Talk openly about what you need to feel comfortable about the Christian dating relationship. Remember we are all sinners saved by grace. Not one of us is perfect apart from him who knew no sin, Jesus, the righteous Son of the only true and living God.

Not all background checks are detailed, complete and thorough. It depends on the company and the amount of money you are willing to pay for their time. The level of detail varies greatly from company to company ranging from:

Just giving you the common information available in the phone directory

Criminal background check: criminal records, sex offenders list, driving and vehicle records

Legal and financial background check: litigation records, credit records, property ownership records

Employment background check: social security number, immigration or legal status, education records, employment history, worker's compensation records, military records

Personal background check: medical records, licensing records, plus very detailed and extensive information gathered by private investigators (this can often include talking with a person's neighbors, coworkers, family and friends)

One of the best places to start your own investigation is the national sex offenders registry:

NATIONAL (Sex Offenders) ALERT REGISTRY

Next, and I mean right away, don’t put it off, go and read all the good information on the Dating Detective website. Pray about it, then sign up for the 3 years of unlimited background checks. Run a background check on everyone you are meeting online.

And don’t think that date rape or something worse can’t happen to you. That’s what I thought, now, I screen everyone before meeting them for the first time for a first date. And if a nice Christian guy is offended that I want to do a background check on him before we meet. Too bad!

Another bit of advice: I only use Christian Singles Network and also Christian Cafe to meet singles, never ever would I even think of using a secular dating site.

“The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffers for it.” PROVERBS 27:12

I also tell the singles at church to get a background check on other singles they don’t really know about before meeting them in a public place, never alone, and never at their home. Don't just assume that everyone at church or in an Christian dating service is really a Christian.

Please Note: it is considerate to get a person’s consent, but to do your own online background checks the Dating Detective website claims that “you can investigate a person and the person will not even know it.” I always let a Christian guy know that I am doing a background check on him. It is up to you “if or when” you tell a person. An employment background check requires the person’s consent so I personally believe that a dating background check should also require a person's consent. Besides that “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” means I ask for consent because I would like to be asked before some Christian man did a dating background check on me. If he has nothing to hide, he will say “YES!”

The End!

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